It has been said that "gentlemen prefer blondes", and we are totally into that!!! But, are blondies into gentlemen??? What about going for a jackass??? Well, the fine producers at Blind Date, one of our all-time favorite shows, put this theory to the test, as they set up a date with Desiree, a red hot blondie lingerie model, and Steve-O from the Jackass franchise. Desiree was bursting out of her shirt the whole date...we really like that look. They went to a lingerie shop where she got to show us her great body, while Steve-O tried to be as big a dick (literal and figurative) as he could. Due to his on-screen persona, Steve-O might have felt the need to portray himself as a jackass during the show. But, by Jackass movie standards, Steve-O was quite restrained. Now, would Desiree or blondies in general go for a jackass? Before you dismiss the notion, consider the whole concept of Jackass as an abstract form of art (see our Miley Cyrus blog). It takes time for the hidden art form to emerge from the chaos, and when it does...it kinda grows on you. So, we have accompanied the next clip with an artistic explanation video, as well. We want to educate as well as entertain.
America is known as a land of diversity, decorated with different cultures from sea to shining sea. Here at BAFH, we are all for it!!! We love different ways of doing things. Down with communism!!! Within the fabric of America is a sub-culture of blondies. Yep, blondies have cultures...and ergo, sub-cultures. Wow, that's deep. Ahhh yes, blondies are not all the same. To further explore the nuances of blondie sub-cultures, we shall go hip hop!!!...and consider the east coast vs west coast blondies.
1) East Coast Blondie
The east coast is known for its hustle and bustle. It has subways packed with sardines of commuters, cold weather, and a dog-eat-dog survival of the fittest rat race. This mentality permeates even to the blondies. Yep, the east coast blondie is bitchy, tough, and cold-blooded. This personification was played splendidly by Margot Robbie (looking great in pink) in The Wolf of Wall Street. Check it out. Now that's what I'm talkin' about .
2) West Coast Blondie
Now, the west coast...ahhh, "We love L.A......We love it!!!" We have a sweet spot for the west coast, and namely, Los Angeles and Las Vegas!!! These two fabulous cities are known for beautiful actors/showgirls, bright/neon lights, great weather, easy-going demeanor, and risk-taking sharpies. From this fertile ground has grown the west coast blondie (also looking great in pink) who is ditzy, air-headed,...and oh, the voice....huh???? How??? How can this be??? Oh, it'd be...next clip, west coast blondie goes hip hop.
Have you ever noticed that the name Kelly is used for many hot babes on TV shows? The Kelly character on many shows would be the signature candy apple. Well, we here at Blondes are from Heaven gloss over no details. If there's a hot babe trend to discover, we are there to bring you our patented rigorous scientific approach. So, it is with beaming pleasure that we present.....A Tale of Three Kelly's.
1) Kelly Bundy
Ahhhh....one of our all-time favorite shows, Married with Children. Everyone on the cast had their unique appeal from Al to Peggy to Bud to Marcy. And to top off the sundae is blondie cherry, Kelly Bundy. She played the bad girl / dumb blonde to perfection, complete with great hair, sexy wardrobe, and confusing lines. Plus, she can dance!!! She's now a judge on So You Think You Can Dance. Let's check out the full Kelly Bundy package.
2) Kelly Taylor
Now, here's a show I could never understand, Beverly Hills 90210. Maybe, it's because I didn't live in that world of the rich kids. Kelly Taylor was the pretty girl you can never have a chance with. The whole show was just too cool for me to grasp. And then, there were all those love triangles, pentagons, quadrilaterals, ellipses...with Kelly and Brandon and Dylan and Brenda and Andrea's secret crush on Brandon. Oh, my head is spinning even now. This show's format spawned a whole genre of shows that I don't related to...Melrose Place, The O.C., Dawson's Creek, The Hills, Laguna Beach... And then, driving the final stake into my heart is that what's his name ended up marrying Megan Fox!!! Oh, dear mercy...viewer discretion advised for the next clip.
3) Kelly Kapowski
Saved by the Bell starring Kelly Kapowski came along a couple of years too late for me. I was already past that phase, and so the whole premise of the show seemed a bit dorky. Kelly Kapowski was the prettiest girl in school that Zack and Slater fought over. She had great hair!!! The big challenged for the show was that the kids just grew up, and they had a hard time continuing the high school style of the show. Kelly was hurt by the fact that they couldn't do more mature subject matter and that the cast hasn't fared well after the show. Screech went into celebrity boxing, and Jessie was in the movie, Showgirls. Zack's career has been up and down, while Slater is forever etched into my mind as the Host standing next to Miss South Carolina (see Blondie Fail blog). Kelly was a hot chick in a bizarro tornado. Who better to explain than...TMZ.
There is a website called Beautiful Agony where people submit videos of them pleasuring themselves. The videos only show the person's face the whole time without showing with what or how they are pleasuring themselves, although sometimes there are vibrating noises...hehe. Needless to say, I have studied quite a few of these videos...for educational purposes. As I closely examine a series of these videos, doing comparisons and analyses, I have noticed certain patterns, especially amongst the blondie videos. A frustrating feeling arose within me for those blondie videos that has caused me to ask, "Are blondies underloved?" Allow me to explain as we dissect the blondie orgasm:
1) Blondies have classy orgasmic faces
The blondies on these videos have classy facial expressions as they go through their orgasms. This is opposed to some of the other women who have scrunched up faces that are not as sexy. The blondie is showing beautiful agony on her face...but is there more she can experience? Can her orgasm face be made to be even more intense and explosive? I want to know!!! I need to know!!!
2) Blondies don't moan much and usually are not very loud
This goes for most of the women on these videos. Once they start entering orgasm, there is not that much moaning and usually no screaming. They reach a squealing level at best most of the time. Now, that right there is dissatisfying. She is not reaching her orgasmic potential! How can this be? Oh, blondie, you need more loving!!!
3) Blondies take a long time to get to orgasm
Usually the beginnings of the videos have a long build-up where not much seems to be happening until the good stuff starts. I'm thinking, "How long does it take for her to start moaning already?" So, the blondie engine appears to be be cold and needs some warm-up time. Now, that is disconcerting, as well. How come she's not horny as hell and ready to blow right away? This, of course, leads to the age old complaint..."How could you...how could you cum so early..........premature ejaculator!"
4) Blondies cum...not that much
Usually in these videos, the women would cum once and for some go-getters twice, and then it's The End. Now, cum on!!! Where's the endurance, the persistence, the no-quit attitude??? We want more!!! In keeping with that same principle, I shall be brief on this point, too. Nope, that's it...The End.
So, what does all of this add up to? It seems to me that the blondie girl is underloved...or at least under-orgasmed and under-cummed. Yep, the blondie orgasms are low on both quality and quantity. Is this true? Let's talk about it.
I grew up during the MTV generation. Remember that time? For those of you who are a bit younger, there was a time when music was only played on the radio. OMG!!! Yeah, the only time you saw music on TV was for a live performance such as the Tonight Show. Then, the geniuses over at MTV gave us one of the greatest inventions in the history of civilization. One day, music videos dropped out of the sky. I was like, "What is this? Why do they keep playing music on TV? What's with the dancing and the different scenes?" Yes, it was a mind-blowing breakthrough for my generation. And now, as you might have noticed, I like watching videos.
One of the pioneers of early music videos was Madonna. She put together a style that has since been imitated by many but never duplicated. The imitations fade but the original has stood the test of time. Madonna was a sensual, provocative combination of seduction, sexuality, mischief, rebellion, ambition, eloquence, and grace. Just like Coca-Cola, you don't mess with perfection. Just give us regular Coke and original Madonna. She encompassed the full spectrum from lovely woman to naughty girl. Her impact on my childhood left an impression that would today spawn this blog. So, here at Blondes are from Heaven, we salute you, Madonna, for your music, your style, and defining the concept of sex appeal. The first inductee into our Blondie Hall of Fame is the one....the only....Madonna. Watch her work her magic to captivate a nation.
Sometimes life imitates fiction as we saw in the last blog with Gerri and Paul. Paul was ambushed by the same dreaded temperature change issue as George Costanza. In Paul's defense, he was in the pool!!! He was in the pool!!! Now meet Angelo, who took this concept to a whole new low in this shocking episode of Blind Date with Angelo and Rebecca.
Rebecca is a sweet, wholesome girl with a great....personality. BTW, she looks mighty fine in powdered blue, a great color match for blondies. They talk quite openly about Rebecca's...congeniality...throughout the date. Angelo, allegedly a stud, does one of the all-time pet peeves on Blind Date, and that is, he directly asks Rebecca for a kiss. Now come on! Step up to the plate and hit the fastball instead of asking the pitcher to toss it underhanded.
Anyways, suspense builds during the date as the Blind Date producers tease us with Angelo's highly anticipated nuclear weapon. And then, he took it out. What did he take out you ask? He took...huh huh...it out.
Blondies have high standards and rightfully so. Only the most qualified need apply. Of course, if blondies were not so picky, their blondie value would drop. It would be too easy, and we would not appreciate the prize if there were no struggle. But, sometimes the laws of natural selection are too harsh and work against both the blondie and her would-be pursuer.
This is what happened on this classic episode of Blind Date with Gerri and Paul. Now, these two seemed to hit it off great. Gerri was really into Paul, and Paul was turning up the charm. Fittingly, they visited a zoo that teaches people about animal mating behavior. Everything seemed headed for fireworks....and then....well, let's just say Paul ended up on the short end of the stick.
Here at Blondes are from Heaven, we value integrity above all else. So, we do not put blondies on a pedestal and fawn at them shamelessly. Oh no, we speak the truth! Blondies are human. They fail just like the rest of us. Instead of looking the other way, we stare right into the train wreck and bring you a collection of timeless blondie fails. Vote for your favorite!!!
1) Blondie on Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?
Leading off, as the saying goes, "don't judge a book by its cover". Truer words have never been spoken as a lovely blonde contestant opens up her inner geography book and allows us to peruse the blank pages. Now, in her defense, there is a technicality here. Hungry and Hungary are not pronounced the same way. It's hun-gry vs Hun-ga-ry. We are always striving to educate.
2) Miss South Carolina
Ah yes, the now classic blondie fail from Miss South Carolina. She made America proud with her response during the Question & Answer portion. Her immortal words give true meaning to the letters WTF. An interesting part of this is that she appears to have prepared for the answer?
3) Paris Hilton
After serving time in PRISON, Paris Hilton appeared on the Late Show with David Letterman. Letterman reached deep within his anus and pulled out as much asshole as he could to get her talking about her prison experience. For some mysterious reason, Paris kept taking the bait. Oh, blondie, just say No!!! What ensued was one excruciating interview that goes down in Letterman Show lore. Enjoy!!!
4) Alexandra Wallace
Then, there's this one. This is the infamous racist rant by a UCLA student. No words can do justice to this failure of epic proportions. I am speechless. I am without speech. Jaw dropped, but no wong coming out. SMH...roll the video.
Here at Blondes are from Heaven, we appreciate both style and substance. We like blondies with talent! And to prove that point, let's engage in an intellectual debate that has raged for decades. That is, who sings the classical song, Memory, better? Barbara Streisand or Elaine Paige? Both have iconic golden voices of their generation. Barbara is American, and Elaine is English. They both sing it with their own unique style and flare that make their respective countries proud. Is it a coincidence that they are both blonde? What is the correlation between blondie and great singing?
This is a prestigious title, indeed. Only the most accomplished singers have earned the privilege of singing this timeless classic. So, we must take time and thoroughly contemplate this issue before casting a vote. Is it going to be Streisand or Paige? Enjoy!
1) Barbara Stresiand
This is recorded for the official music video.
2) Elaine Paige
This is from the original Cats musical.
Have you noticed that there are now quite a few hot blondie sportscasters? Well, it's about time. They host studio shows, do sideline reporting, interviews, etc. Here at Blondes are from Heaven, we are all for gender equality and the advancement of women in the workplace. So, it would be good to take time and appreciate the fine work of these hardworking sportscasters.
1) Erin Andrews
First up is the pioneer of the sexy blondie sportscasters, Erin Andrews. She does sideline reporting and hosts some studio shows. She's also been on Dancing with the Stars and now will become co-host of the show. This chick is rocketing up! She once was given the nickname Erin Pageviews. Let's check out her dance moves.
2) Charissa Thompson
Another smokin' hot chick. She did sideline reporting and now hosts some studio shows. She's very good with the wardrobe selections that accentuate the positive. Let's check out her fashion sense shall we?
3) Lauren Thompson
Not to be outdone, the Golf Channel has a couple hot blondies, as well. Lauren Thompson does segments out on the golf course, hosts studio shows, does interviews, and a variety of on-site reporting. She has a certain on-camera charisma that is pleasing to the eyes. Enjoy!
4) Win McMurry
Nothing's sexier than a blondie who can swing a golf club. Introducing the beautiful studio host with a great name, Win McMurry. She's also dating Michael Phelps, gold medal Olympic swimmer. She has a very high sexy / lb ratio! Let's check out her swing shall we?